I’m not myself…who am I? Sounds like one of those riddles.

Yesterday, with my free time, I cleaned floors. I cleaned my Cathy Susko white tile floors. Got all the dog hair up, put the dog in the other room, got the Shark cleaner out and away I went. I also kept the TV on all day and watched movies while doing that. I was right – the Family Stone was a tear-jerker. And I cried and cried all by myself. That was nice. But I cleaned with my time off. I did not lay in the pool and get more sun. Who am I?

I don’t have one girlfriend down here. Stephanie lives here but you know, not like here-here. I may see her at the end of July but that’s a ways away. Deb and I were supposed to have lunch when I got here but I waited a month to get back in touch. I have a feeling it might be a month before she responds, or never. Not one girlfriend. Not one. Who am I?

I have no income. I have no job where I leave the house and sit at a desk and type some nonsense and get paid for it. NO income. Although I’ve had periods of no job before I have always been able to collect unemployment or had some other money coming in. I have no job AND no income. Who am I?

Phil and I have a rule. Well, it’s mainly Phil’s rule. I’m not allowed to say I’m fat or make negative remarks about myself. I totally get it. Who wants a girlfriend, or boyfriend, that is down on themselves? Makes you wonder why you’re with them if they are so bad. So I will not be negative but I am not myself. You would think that my weight might be a little under control because I’m always doing something. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, whatever, I’m mostly on my feet and moving. I am not sitting for 8+ hours a day. So why am I gaining and gaining? I am definitely not myself, and getting further and further from myself all the time.  Who am I?

I am not anywhere near my family. Not with my boys, not with Kerry, Evan or the babies. Not with anything or anyone familiar. Who am I?

And the answer? Heck if I know.

I had this wonderful psychology teacher at Carlow (whose name escapes me but I did love her) who talked about deconstructing to reconstruct. I am certainly in a deconstructing mode. It’s like everything familiar has been stripped from me. I’m not complaining but I am definitely floundering.

I don’t mind protecting my skin from the sun and staying inside. I have probably regained years of lack of Vitamin D already. I like living in a clean house and I’m able to keep it up. I like crying at movies all by myself. I like what I did yesterday.

I love my girlfriends but without them I have Phil to lean on. I love our time together and honestly I love not to have to juggle time with friends so I’m able to be with him all the time. That’s another “who am I” for sure as I’ve never wanted to be with anyone this much before. But better not question it too much. I think the balance will come later and I will definitely plan more trips up north than I originally thought I would. I need my peep time too. I will just have to cram it all in when I am there. Which brings us to the next who am I?

Income. Without that income I have no way of making plans like visiting my friends and family. However, I am not struggling to survive as has been my typical status. I have to rely on someone else. To let go of that control is definitely a new experience. And I am thankful everyday to my benefactor that I have the opportunity to see what is unfolding in my life. I remember another Cathy Susko saying (sheesh Cathy, you’re so wise) – remember when she was in-between jobs and she said she was going to let the job find her? And voila it did. That’s what I am doing. I am letting go of control and letting the job find me (honest honey, that’s what I’m doing).  I feel like anything can happen now so I hope “anything” does happen…soon…very soon

My weight has always been a struggle. I just need to exercise and quit eating everything I bake. I know that only too well.  I just hope I remember to do it….soon…very soon.

I miss my boys. There’s just no getting around that. And I miss my family.

Phil says I have to give it time. When I ask him how much time he doesn’t have that answer. Guess he’s a lot of things but apparently not a psychic. In a weird way the more comfortable I get here the harder it is. I think it’s being so far away from the familiar of any kind that is hard. Like I’m abandoning myself. I have my things (broken as they are) but I don’t have “me” yet. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It is definitely a hard thing. I’ve been wanting a change and well I am getting that for sure. Guess I have to give it some time.

Pictures are from last night’s date night. We went to Rum River Bar and Grill in Port Richey. Beautiful sky and a good dinner. Good oysters! We also found a pool table. He finally beat me. There’s no living with him now 🙂



4 Thoughts on “I’m not myself

  1. Ja Nel on July 3, 2014 at 5:19 pm said:

    This too shall pass….. and your life will be full of new Florida friends to like heat and know the best tips to take care of the bugs!

  2. Cathy Susko on July 3, 2014 at 8:07 pm said:

    OK..since I’m so wise…I will tell you this..you already did the hardest part of change…initiating the change. Yep, tons of people want to change their lives, but the beginning of it, the actual throwing out the old, the safe, the known quantity-that,my dear is the hardest part. So hard that most people will never go there. So I applaud you my friend, you already did that!! It’s downhill from here 🙂

  3. Debbie Monahan on July 4, 2014 at 1:29 am said:

    Sounds like a bit of missing the ‘burgh and familar surroundings along with family and friends. I believe it will pass with time but until then…make a call to your boys and family or friends just so you can here their voice (skype) and keep the positive out look you always have. There are some things not to worry about…Job-it will come but until then enjoy some free time because when you do start back to work the floors might get a little dirty,laundry backs up and you won’t know what to make for dinner in a pinch. Weight-your beautiful no matter what the scale reads, Peep time-in due time you’ll have someone there to fill the void just be patient-see if there is a garden club around to help your green thumb out, and just remember why you moved there in the first place….happiness with someone you love!

  4. Barb Buchwach on July 5, 2014 at 6:48 pm said:

    I agree with Cathy. You’ve conquered the hardest part….actually making a move. Keep doing what you are doing. There are so many changes all at once. You seem to have managed very well, in my opinion. You are just not in a comfort zone yet. Change can be good. Give it some time. I always thought of you as a Florida girl!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Post Navigation