Orientation is over…it was painful. I had quite the furrowed brow going on trying to follow along. As Janice would say I had the eleven’s (think double lines in the forehead). I’ll just say this.. there were a lot of very competent mothers in attendance willing, begging, to help with communication. We introduced ourselves. Most everyone has small children, a couple still had some in grade school, a couple with just middle school and/or high school and there was one other like me with grown children and then 2 step children who are twins in the 6th grade. I’m just grateful Jorden is in 8th and I didn’t go back that far. I noticed I’m getting better as today’s meeting didn’t make me want to cry. I didn’t miss my own boys and I didn’t miss the retired life I thought I was going to have. I actually liked being at his school and hope to spend more time there. Also the school “halls” are outside so it’s just different enough for me not to get homesick. It helps that it’s a freakin GORGEOUS day here. I mean gorgeous. Today’s day is why people love Florida. I am missing Mrs. Besong though – I know she could whip this school into shape, but I will see what I can offer. They need front office help. I can help in the mornings but I have to pick up the girl at 1:30 so I can’t do afternoons.

So listen to this…yesterday it was pouring rain, POURING so I left what I thought was a couple of minutes early to pick up Zenah, you know, so she wasn’t in the rain. I ran out without my phone but no big deal right? Cause every day it’s the same thing, I pick her up in the same spot. Except yesterday. She was not in the spot. I had to park so I wasn’t that person holding up the line looking for her. I waited until almost 2:00 – got out of the car twice to look around, I mean it was really pouring, and then I just had to come home to find my phone so I could get her text messages (and phone calls)..Ya know? I mean what are the chances? She had been waiting in a different spot and we just missed each other but really…the one day I leave my phone because I wanted to get there early and I didn’t get her until 45 minutes later. Good grief…

So speaking of children; this whole work or stay at home mom thing, it’s a familiar theme and certainly one that has permeated throughout my life. I’m still looking for full-time jobs, as even though I’m up to $6 on Amazon clicks it just doesn’t seem like enough ya know? I mean I should contribute even if it’s just for the trifecta (Judy’s term for the cable bill), I want to have my own money, I need to pay for my plane tickets, but in no way are we starving and I have been home to Pittsburgh twice already and I have a free ticket (in points) for my next trip. So it’s not like I’m a prisoner here or anything, I have gotten back when I want to.  But I do need insurances, I mean I do need some things so I don’t know, it almost is a necessity on one hand. This morning before I left for the school meeting I opened an application for a job at USF in St. Petersburg. It’s a haul, like 25 miles,  but whatever, thought I’d apply after the meeting. But at this meeting at one point they became focused on the importance of stay at home mom’s and if you don’t HAVE to work you really shouldn’t so you can be there for your kids and middle school and high school are really more important to stay home than grade school and blah blah blah. I mean really? REALLY? So is this a sign? Or is the sign that I get no response to my resumes “the” sign. Phil often says “get a clue” and perhaps my clue is to just stay put cause it doesn’t matter how many resumes I send out, I still get nuthin’. Maybe the clicks will add up some day. Who knows… but I was just flabbergasted at the familiar guilt over stay at home or working.

Back in “my” day I didn’t have the choice but still managed to have that gut wrenching guilt over the issue. Amazingly I was able to be home many years during middle school and high school for those boys. I didn’t start working full time again until Jimmy was in 10th grade. I used to say I was determined to be the first stay-at-home single mom and thanks to being able to work at home and various other options I was able to do it for a while. Jimmy never could get the hang of me having to go to work and not being able to pick him up at a moments notice for whatever reason.  It still made me sad even though we all know he was fine. Zachary on the other hand had very little stay at home time with me but he had his grandma and he’s not an ax murderer. So it can be okay.  Obviously many many MANY children turn out fine when their parents work, but I don’t know, these kids have been thru enough so maybe since I want to be here maybe I “should” just wait and see what happens. Maybe I should close that USF application window. It is such a dilemma. I mean really a dilemma. Maybe I can get that volunteer coordinator’s position at the middle school. She only works ½ days (mornings)…that would be perfect for me. Whether the argument for working moms is right or wrong it has been a constant guilt trip for me since I was 24 years old (just a few short years ago).  I thought at least those guilt days were over. Sheesh, I say,,,,sheeshh…and why?

So that’s my day today. I never got to lyming yesterday. I got stuck in blog theme hell again, but as you can see there is a new theme today and I’m sticking with it. I think it’s easier to read (right Ja Nel?) and I’m just going to go with it. I might run the sweeper later but I really do think I’m going to get outside and read today. I have some community stuff I can read that I found at the Middle School office. There’s even a couple of advertisements for riding stables. Now how cool would THAT be? Maybe I can drag Zenah along and rope her into being a riding partner. (get it, rope her?)

Oh, we went to the YMCA last night. I hit the treadmill. Twenty minutes – I ran 1.33 miles. It’s a start. I have something going on in my knee (left knee) that when I kneel on it, it feels like there is a shard of glass ripping through it, so no yoga for me. It makes me very sad as I was really liking the yoga classes. I may still try to go and just not do the kneeling things, which would take out more than half of the exercises. I guess I could try it once and see what happens. Tomorrow night I have orientation to learn the machines. I’ve done many different machines but these look different so I figure I’ll just make sure I’m doing it right. My knee only hurts when I kneel. Anybody? Anybody? And no I didn’t do anything to it.

K…gotta make beds (yes I’m still doing it). I even cleaned Jorden’s dresser drawers yesterday. I started thinking to myself that I would clean my own kids drawers so I should do his too right? Until he tells me to keep out, but right now he’s thanking me. My thinking was and still is if they get used to things being nice then maybe they’ll keep it up. I know it didn’t work with my kids but whatever, I can dream.

SAM_0587

yesterday – not perfect but better

SAM_0586

today, and why do I bother?

That’s all I got for today. Maybe tomorrow we’ll talk about my hair. Is it time for a new do?

SAM_0589

Until mañana

Xoxox

 

4 Thoughts on “The never ending guilt trip

  1. Debbie Monahan on September 10, 2014 at 1:54 pm said:

    Everyone is different. I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom and I recommend it to anyone that can to do it, or at least part time or work out of the house on most days. I started part time work when Kevin (the baby) entered all day kindergarten and stayed working for 20 years. My shift let me be home when the kids came home from school. We did give up those beach vacations. We enjoyed other family trips when they got older and were involved in sports. Camping was a favorite for the kids. Used cars instead of a huge payment for a new one. Cell phones only when they could afford to pay for them. When they were driving my car (the only car available) my cell phone stayed in the car for whoever was driving it. It all worked out and I am very grateful for that. Now I’m babysitting grandchildren to help out and thanking God that I can.

  2. Yes, yes!!! It is easier to read! You did throw me for a loop with the new theme. For a minute I thought I was at the old site. But I’m not! Chill out over working vs. staying at home, in a few years it won’t matter. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Post Navigation