Typically when I’m ready to slit my wrists (or someone else’s) and/or cry and convince myself I’ll never see my kids again I know it’s time to exercise. And so I ventured out on this beautiful Florida day and hit the streets, instead of the “club”, to try to jog. First of all I know that transitioning from the treadmill to outside is a rude awakening. So at least I had that going for me. After trying to run a half a block I knew I had to start over and so I did. I tuned the IPOD to the “easy” workout of running 1 minute walking 1.5 minutes. I did that for about 30 minutes and then walked the rest of my 40ish minute workout. I believe I went for total of 1.60 miles. It’s a start. I feel better. I am not adverse to starting over, in fact I love the idea, in theory.

Like living here, I don’t mind the tremendous changes, as long as I get my visits in with my kids I’m good. The main reason I panic about money is how it may possibly affect my ability to visit them. Then I panic. While it would be nice and I’m sure appreciated for me to contribute monetarily to the Baker household, and believe me I try every stinkin day to find something, it’s only when I think I’ll never see my kids again that I know it’s time to run (as in exercise).

Music helps soothe my anxiety too. Running with the IPOD and listening to the same playlist that I listened to when I was training myself for those 5Ks is comforting. I hear the songs my sister Kathy suggested, I hear my Thor songs, I remember running across that finish line and that makes me feel better. Right now I’m listening to the same playlist that I listened to in my office at PPU. Believe it or not that’s also comforting. It’s familiar.

When we lived in Fair Oaks my kids would play the piano. Just sit and play whatever they were picking out at the time. I loved those days, as you know. Another one of the many things I missed when I moved from there was leaving that piano behind and not hearing them play anymore. ( I know you’re sick of hearing how sad I am that those days are gone). When we got our piano here and Zenah sat down and started to play I cried. This time though I cried cause I was happy to have music in the house again. I’m using that piano to lure the boys down. And I have to admit it seemed to perk their interest when I said we had a piano. I love hearing music in the house. The piano is here now, we can pick up where we left off.  We even have more piano players now!  And we have LOTS of guitar players.

I guess it sounds like I cry a lot. But it’s not a bad thing, it’s cleansing right? I’m not unhappy just nervous. I think starting over is exciting but I think it should go the way I want it to go. Like I should have gotten that job at McKinsey when I got here and traveled and built up those miles and perks and banked my checks. Or my accidental blogging would have somehow taken off and that would be a nice surprise but apparently there must be something else.  Lottery?

I know I’m getting better with all the changes because when this happened I didn’t shed a tear.

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I simply stuck it in a bucket of water, am going to get a new pot, a bigger pot and replant it. I’m going to start over. I’ve restarted that thing many many times in the 40 years I’ve had it. I can restart it again. This time it’ll be bigger and stronger.  No biggie.

Have a nice weekend,

Xoxoxox

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