I made a list today. Blogging is on it. So far I’ve been pretty good going down the list marking things off. I missed yoga but I know now how to fit it in tomorrow. It’ll take a little while to get a “new” routine now that I’m back to not working. And of course once I’m happy with that routine it will change I’m sure.
So yes I’m back in Florida. I didn’t get excited (not that I wasn’t excited) until I looked out the window as we were approaching and I saw the Tampa area all lit up (it was night) it was then that I got soo excited. I thought “I LIVE here” and just started smiling. My boyfriend was a little frazzled because I was 30 minutes early but he looked so cute and I was very happy to see him. When I got in the house Zenah gave me the biggest hugs ever, I think Jorden smiled too. He might have been more interested in the Sarris candy bars I brought back but I jest..I think they seemed happy. We had a lovely morning off the next day and I was a brand new person looking at all the flowers and the garden he planted. You would have thought I was gone a lot longer. So yes I’m VERY happy to be back. I have not lost my love of living in Florida. Pittsburgh has beautiful days for sure and I love the city and Virginia and my mom’s house are beautiful and relaxing but I LOVE Florida. I’m in the right place. If only this euphoria would last longer than a week. Maybe the key is to go away more often. Hmmm…
So these past few days I’ve been thinking about all the things we say to each other. For instance, I can’t tell you how many different people told me things over these last two weeks and told me not to tell anybody. And some things I was told I just know not to tell anyone. Sometimes I wish the person would tell other people because there are people who have the exact same experiences and they could be comforted or validated by knowing that. Sometimes it’s fascinating and then you feel bad that you can’t share it, and sometimes you’re so pissed off at some injustice that you want to put it in the fucking Post Gazette. Sorry. . and then sometimes it’s so stupid that no one else would care anyway. But still…
Then I think of the things I say. Sometimes I focus on everything negative. Everything. And then those people think my life sucks. And of course the way I’ve described it anybody would think that at that moment. But then I’ll tell someone all the great things about my life and then they’re envious (not hugely envious but you know) Evan thinks I’m rich (meanwhile I can’t pay my bills) Some people think I’m some trophy wife…ha haha haha…I mean seriously HA HA HA….but it’s not only the things we say to each other but it’s how they are interpreted based on the other person’s perspective and their experiences.
On the other hand, sometimes you don’t want to share things because you don’t want to jinx them. The opposite of telling secrets…you don’t share with anyone. I’ve done that a few times. You know like when you’re starting something new and you think if you share it it won’t come to pass. That could be why when I finally moved here I didn’t say anything the last month. Mainly I’d been talking about moving here since 1984 but also I couldn’t believe it was coming together and I didn’t want to say anything to jinx it and I too couldn’t believe it was finally happening. I remember Diane saying that she was a little in shock. She was just used to me talking about it, not thinking it would actually happen. Yet here I am. So sometimes that’s cool to do, not tell anyone, but that’s only when you’re working on something good. Like secretly planning to run a race, or starting a new diet regime to lose weight, or a new business venture. That way if it doesn’t come to pass you haven’t disappointed anyone but yourself.
BUT there are other times when you really need to air things and mull it over with your friends (or the Pizza delivery man.) It can help put things into perspective for you. Someone always has an opinion, of course you need to discern through a lot of those, but it doesn’t hurt to know that you are not alone in your perceived suffering and have someone else be interested and sympathetic, and/or give you encouragement. Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest and get it out in the world, then you can forget about it. Other than one secret that I kept Phil up the other night with, m.fing the injustices that I have perceived that I have been given (just in the area of career) I am a pretty good secret keeper. Having worked as an executive secretary for years you learn to keep your mouth shut. But mostly I can’t remember shit. So if you tell me your deepest darkest secret there is a good chance that by the end of the week I’ve already forgotten. But then that just gives you the chance to tell me again and you can tell it with the new perspective that you’ve received with time.
That’s what’s on my mind today. Now I have to get Jorden off the couch so I can sweep up the crumbs under the couch cushions that have been accumulating for the past 20 days. This time I’ll just keep my thoughts to myself because lord knows they are not secret and everyone is sick of hearing about it and it doesn’t help anyway.