First let’s talk about this blog (and when I say “talk” I mean I’ll write and you read.) This is a long long blog so if you don’t want to read it walk away now. If you do I recommend getting a cup of tea, coffee, maybe a chardonnay.
This blog was started as like a mass email after I moved to Florida from Pittsburgh. I didn’t know who really cared about my Florida adventures so left it up to my friends to “tune in” if they cared to. Then it got to be fun and I kept it up because I like writing, I like purging, and it gave me something to do in an otherwise Baker-filled environment. It still serves as my diary although there are times when I think (I hope) that I have something inspirational to say, typically spurned (wait not spurned, spawned maybe?) by something going on in my life. So that’s the first thing to keep in mind. Because all of my 12 readers are my friends I would have to send the following news in separate emails, I am using this same format to advise of an important Lynn update. And when I say it is long I’m talking 3000 words. I mean long…
As author of this blog content, I made a decision early on to remain as upbeat and positive as I could be on my posts. This was a two-fold decision. One, nobody wants to hear my bemoaning, because it’s just, well let’s leave it at that, no one wants to hear it…okay I take that back, SOME people want to hear it but in general let’s say no one. Two, when I focus on the positives it makes me see the glass as half full (rather than half empty) and in turn keeps me positive. It can also act like a fake it till you make it scenario. So I’m constantly (at least when I’m blogging) looking for the positives to report, making me focus on being grateful. That doesn’t mean the negatives aren’t happening, it’s just that I’m focusing on the positives. And I will admit, full confession here, that I have on occasion made up stuff. Not like actual details of where we went or what we did but perhaps, maybe just perhaps, I may have exaggerated a bit on the wonderful-ness of it all. However, I want to stop right here and say that 90% of this Finally Florida experience has been great. I just want to throw that out there upfront. I can spin it either way but spinning it in a positive light is more truthful.
And now keeping all that in context let me just start here talking about my track record with relationships. Can I pick em or what? Each BF (boyfriend) I have had has obviously had strengths but more often an overwhelming amount of weaknesses. When you’re in the thick of things much of the time you can only see the positives while EVERYONE else is going hmmmmm. And then once you see the hmmmm basically that’s all you can see.
Here’s the skinny, let’s review. Let me preface this with saying there is NOTHING wrong with internet dating. Sure you don’t know who you meet on the internet, but you also don’t know who you meet at a bar. You don’t know who you meet on a blind date, you really don’t know people you work with (right Judy?) I mean there is no way of knowing people until you live with them, and apparently not even after that. So backing up, when I met PB (that would be Philip) I always felt there was something off. I often said, okay I always said, there is something here that I am missing. Then A LOT of somethings came up that were missing and I took each one as they came, processed the info and it was my decision to forge ahead. Although always a hmmmm lingering. BUT I was having fun. We always had fun and when those hmmmm feelings would surface I pushed them right back down and said to myself “Self, I’m having fun.” Sure I threw myself into the relationship from the start, which I thought was a welcome throw, and having fun so why not? Then as most of you will remember, early on in our relationship before the move here, there was the breakup, the reveal of some indiscretions but never quite sure whether or not we were on a break and didn’t really care except for the “lying” part of it. Keep the “lying” part at the forefront of the rest of this tale. We decided to stick together after that and moved to sunny Fla where the Finally Florida story starts.
So about that lying…there is a lying problem in this family. It starts at the top. The top would be PB. He is a terrible liar. I mean literally terrible, but I would just laugh about it and move on because although I knew the hmmmm factor to be there I wanted to trust. Trust in everything. Trust in the move, trust in the process, trust in the family and trust in his feelings. You know, trust is pretty important in relationships. So I just gave it my all and hoped that the hmmmm feelings would subside, or that they were based on my own insecurities because that happens too. Sometimes there’s nothing going on but because we/you/me have built-in insecurities we make up stuff. Bottom line is I had no proof of anything and we continued to have fun, at least I continued to have fun. Especially that first year.
After Tashah moved in there were a lot of changes. No more date nights for one thing. There was no more room (literally she took the room) for visitors (i.e. my family) and I admit I was feeling a little pushed out but whacha gonna do? She’s his daughter. She has no home. Her father is her home. She needed a place to go. I get it, but it was the start of my unhappiness. Still I had hoped it was temporary, as did he, or at least he said as much (who knows really) and I soldiered on feeling quite stressed most of the time at home.
Then I got the full-time job. Personally I think this was the biggest factor of my downward spiral. I was unhappy. Sure I was able to pick out facets of the job that I liked. I like tasks, I like figuring things out, I like everyone I met, I liked the location, but it’s the lifestyle that really depresses me. And of course there was no acceptable salary to compensate for that lifestyle so there was nothing in it for me really. Nothing. Yet I soldiered on until I didn’t soldier on and I had the best boyfriend ever that allowed me to quit. Best Boyfriend Ever. lol
The other thing that the Best Boyfriend Ever (BBE) allowed me to do was go home to Pittsburgh or go to my mom’s whenever I wanted. Nice right? Of course working and having a little bit of income to subsidize those whims did help; although I will say I never made enough and I find myself about $10,000 in debt now thanks to the whims. But the BBE allowing me to take these trips turns out to be a little on the “not so BBE” side. It seems like he might not really miss me as self-reported. As a matter of fact I’m not even sure he is here when I’m gone.
I’m going to guess that by now 90% of you know where this little novelette is leading, and 80% of you are not surprised in the least. Some might even be judging and saying things like “I told you” (my favorite of course) or “you should always trust your intuition which always has said something is not right” – to which I would reply FU to the first and I DID and DO trust my intuition and I always have been on guard knowing that something is not copacetic. Remember when we used to use that word, copacetic? I think it was in high school. I can hear Jerry using it for some reason. ANYWAY, ANYWAY, I have been listening to myself, I have been guarded and I have been just waiting for the truth to be revealed. In this regard I have never ever felt settled in this relationship. I’ve always been waiting for the truth.
And then it was… revealed. I’m not sure if it is done being revealed or now that it’s opened up I’m going to start being bombarded with all his past (and current) indiscretions but really “dear Universe” I just need one proof. I know there’s many more but really, do I need to know? I’m good with the one thanks, although even since I started writing this I have gotten more. I think the universe wants to be sure I get the picture. Thanks, I’m good.
In a nutshell he was the creepy guy with a “friend” of mine while I was out-of-town. Which means creepy guy ALL the time when I’m out of town and I’m going to go as far to say creepy guy always. Am I sad? Well yea, of course. Am I mad? Only when he’s here. Do I hate him? Do I forgive him? What’s to forgive? To forgive implies that he has done something to me. He hasn’t done anything to me, he’s just himself. Well maybe he has been lying to me. That’s true. So in that regard I guess I need to forgive him for being a liar, that I’ve always known him to be? The liar lied. See? Forgiveness doesn’t even feel like it applies here. He has always been, and I fear always will be that creepy guy that is not honest OR…big reveal..faithful. The cheater cheats. Big Surprise! I admit when it was revealed to me I wasn’t remotely shocked or surprised. I was embarrassed and embarrassed for my friend who was on the receiving end, and I am thankful to her for her responses to him, and forever in her debt for being brave enough to share it with me. It took her 8 months to tell me. The timing is perfect for this reveal. Eight months ago would have been devastating. See? Things happen for a reason. Had we not been told to move I would have had to think about leaving this family, leaving “my” home…again…which I said I would NEVER do again and then I’d be both mad and sad, mostly at myself again for taking the risk. BUT as it turns out we all have to move so it’s perfect timing to move apart. Not that I’m not sad about it. I really am sad and mad but overall not too bad under the circumstances.
The forgiving part will come with myself. Do I forgive myself for getting into a situation where I knew, I’ve always known, that something was wrong? I don’t have one regret (as of this writing, let’s wait and see next week) I would not have done anything differently. I believe there have been times when he has been sincere in his feelings for me and maybe he’s just a sex addict or some weird other thing that has nothing to do with me. I didn’t cause his illness (we’ll call it an illness) and I’m sure not going to cure it. I don’t think he’s alone in this personality flaw (and really I don’t want to know if he has other comparable flaws) so I’m not going to lambaste him as if he’s some sort of pariah (big words in this sentence.) I’m just not going to continue on in this capacity. I hereby resign as VP of Level X Consulting, as GF (girlfriend) and unfortunately for the kids as chief bottle washer of the Baker household.
Would I do anything over? I would do it all over again. I would move here with him. Do I wish I would have trusted my feelings from day 1 and gotten out sooner? Nope. I think this scenario had to run its course. If you believe in this, it’s like our souls had an agreement to help each other out. I have been helping him have the pretend semblance of a family life (I have had a lot of practice with John.) I have really helped the kids with a semblance of a family life, running them to and fro, talking with them, cooking for them, yelling at them. So I agreed to do what I could here with the Bakers. I’m not remotely saying I did a perfect job. I’m very moody and not always consistent and well I got tired of the constant discipline. I think someone else in this position might be better and have more patience. My values are not their values. I think they should be but you can only hit your head against the wall so many times and then say, fine…eat food in your room (among other things.)
Philip’s agreement with me was to move me down here, to make me feel like I was a part of his family giving me a purpose for a little while (no matter what he’s been doing on the side) – He has mostly made me feel very welcome and wanted and appreciative of what I have to offer to his family. On the surface he’s been a good boyfriend (on the side not so much.) He has been super supportive of my Reiki practice, super supportive of my attempt to find myself and quit my job, never yelling about money and we have had a lot of fun on our trips. I really and truly have enjoyed so much of our time together. I’d go as far to say that I’ve enjoyed 95% of our time. But I have been seeing it coming, I’ve always felt it and been feeling and noticing more and more signs and allowing myself to believe in what I’m feeling and then well I got “the proof” so it’s time. Time to wake up and move on.
Should I stay for the sake of the kids? Are you crazy? But yea, I’ve thought of that albeit very briefly. I’m not leaving the kids, I’m just leaving Philip. I’m not their mother so there are some sacrifices that someone in my position should not have to make, like staying while he’s out Philandering (Phil the Philanderer…a term that unfortunately my friend has coined…ugh). I guess that’s good enough for some people but I prefer to live a more honest life. I think I deserve better. I’m a good person. I’d rather be with a good person or no one at all. I think no one at all is the best for at least the next 20 years.
What I don’t know, yet, is where I’m going to end up. Will I stay in Florida? Will Finally Florida continue or will I move back to Pittsburgh? Maybe the blog will become “Back in the Burgh” Or maybe “Vegging in Virginia?” To end up back in the “Burgh” with my kids and family and friends is not the end of the world now is it?. And to move back up in the summer is the time to do it. However, if I have an opportunity to stay here and can afford a place here I will probably choose that and try to maintain my visiting schedule up north and with my own place I can perhaps entertain guests (i.e., friends and family).
I had been planning on making a very dramatic exit and blind siding him, like in a revengeful way, but in a moment of clarity, a moment of maturity and most important a moment of honesty, I decided to advise him of my plan to leave and see if we can tell the kids together. It didn’t go very well but I have told Zenah and she’s okay. She is mainly concerned with staying in the school district for her senior year and realizes she’s going to have to be more responsible for herself. But she has always been her own caretaker in my opinion anyway. It’ll help that everything is in turmoil so when the dust settles the only thing missing will be me. I’ll wait on telling Jorden when I have a better idea of my move out date and I’ll let the big girls know later today incase this effects their move out (or move in) plans.
And lastly there may be one or two of you wondering about me posting all this on a “public” blog. He is VERY worried about it. I’d be comfortable saying he’s shitting himself right now. So I removed him from the site as a follower and I’m not publicizing this one so I “think” only the few of you that know me will get it, and I think I’ll take it down after it seems like everyone knows. But here’s the thing(s), a blog is a like a diary, at least my blog is, kinda like a reality show in print with my life as the entertainment. I’m the author. Perhaps a cheater should have thought of that before cheating on a blogger. Ya know? Consequences. Life is all about consequences. And I am living with mine. Right now. I thought it was okay to deny those feelings? Well it’s catching up with me big time. My consequences are not too fun. I hope I can remember the fun I did have when I’m living in a box.
I wasn’t going to post this until I knew where I was going because the end isn’t written yet. This ending is another beginning and the beginning is wide open and well now there’s a chapter 2 of Lynnie’s life about to start (or end) and the blog will evolve into it’s next phase (or end). Life with a PB and life after. Maybe there IS a book in here somewhere.
I am at the mercy of the Gods. I am hoping that they will smile upon me. I just wish they weren’t so big on living a life of poverty. I bet I can make a case of still being a good person AND living comfortably in a 2 bdrm condo, on the beach.
Thanks for reading…I must get to packing.