Two nights ago I slept on the couch, last night I made dinner, did dishes, laundry, swept floors, helped Phil with a trip to storage, came back and floated in the pool with Phil – it was after 9:00 p.m. – hot humid night – perfect for a pool dip. Got out and made cookies, negotiated with Jorden on a start time for school today, watched TV with Phil, in bed like a normal family/couple.
Today is move out day for me.
Such is the life at the end of a relationship. I will never again question someone who doesn’t leave a relationship when clearly there are signs to go. It’s hard. It’s VERY hard. You get caught up in the day-to-day routine. Everything seems normal when you’re not mad, you cook, clean, float in the pool. It’s hard. I could have easily stayed and just said eff it and continued to live my life here with the Bakers.
However, I did not choose that, nor does it seem that the Universe has chosen that for me. If you thought my move down here was quick; this next move is a freakin whirlwind. I have packed up all my stuff away from his possession; like my dishes, all my personal stuff that I’ve had over the years. Christmas stuff, books, albums (yes vinyl), piano music, even my wedding dress from 1982 I still cart around. It’s all in storage. This is what I have left:
I’m moving into a 1 bedroom vacation rental until the 15th and then moving into another smaller 1 bedroom vacation rental in the same little complex thing. There are three cottages – not even cottages…it’s hard to explain, here’s the link: ctsbeachrentals.com. I am super excited which does not take away from the sadness..Okay maybe it does just a little. I can’t move in until 7:00 this evening so I’m stalling. I was thinking of going back into the pool for a while; delaying packing up the car. It’s so blasted hot out there I think my clothes might melt if I leave them in the car too long. I’ve already done all my running around, 3 banks, the post office (forwarding mail). Maybe I’ll wash the car and save $10. Get it ready for its new digs.
I can’t help but believe it is because everyone has been so kind and thoughtful and people saying they are praying for me that this whole move out has been almost seamless. Well seamless would be that I won the lottery and moved out in style, but I am very very happy to have found this place, the guy is kinda cutting me a deal, kinda, I have a two month lease then can go month to month after that if I choose to stay. I LOVE the feel of this little beach community I’m moving to, the apt is right across from the beach. I can wake up and walk across the street to the beach every day. It is hard to believe that it’s not meant to be.
My original thought was to come back (or go back?) to Sewickley; hang with the peeps for a little until I could figure something out. Zachary immediately called and said “we have to talk.” Zachary is such an interesting kid. He is very hands off most of the time, hard to get him to chat, rarely calls, but in a crisis he is right there. I mean right there. He said that I worked so hard to get down here (with my dreams and all over the years) that he does NOT want me to come back. He discussed with Jimmy and they agreed to help me stay down here until I can get on my own two feet. I mean it’s humiliating and humbling and so so, well I don’t know what, but I’m crying as I’m writing this. They are such nice wonderful kids. Zachary has been constantly checking in to see what was going on and how he could help. The line that sticks with me the most and makes me laugh is when we were talking about Jimmy’s contribution financially and I was concerned that Jimmy doesn’t have the money; which Zachary assured me he did and said something like “if he can’t find the money to help out his homeless mother instead of going to a concert….” It makes me laugh but also a wake up call that I really could have been homeless (not that I had to leave here) but they were so quick to come to my aid. Ok, Zachary quicker. When Jimmy deposited the money yesterday, I told him I wanted to barf and he said he thought he would too, but then quickly said he thought it was all good and very happy to help. When they were growing up I had always just hoped they’d split the check when we went out to eat. I never expected this; and of course I didn’t plan for this either which is why I’m in the pickle that I am.
But it is NOT a pickle. There is something happening. Some force that is moving me forward as if life is saying “get on with it…go go go..” I have been humbled and overwhelmingly surprised? I don’t know the right word but humbled by the comments and the support by everyone I know. Everyone. My hospice co-workers on Tuesday night, who I didn’t even know if they knew my name, have been calling. The support of my friends, you guys, has been truly truly a blessing. Stephanie in particular, has been on my ass (a little bossy) driving me all over the place looking at rentals, calling people, introducing me to friends and realtors staying on top of everything and offering me help in so many ways. She’s the one that found the place where I’m moving to; although she prefers I be in her neighborhood I will be close enough for her to cook for me often. Seems like everyone wants me out of here. This has truly truly been a humbling experience. I don’t have any other word for it. I am blessed beyond belief.
When I leave today it won’t be the last time I’m here. I want to come back for some plants next week. I’m not sure how much room I will have at the new place. My permanent place (112) is small but there are decks so we’ll see. Anyway, so when I leave today it’s not like it’s sooo final. My plan is to come back on Tuesday and pick Jorden up from his last day of school, swing by and see my hospice friends and then it might be the last time. I’m leaving my furniture here for the Baker’s use until he moves then I want it in storage. I went around yesterday and put smiley faces on all my stuff. It’s kinda cute.
So anyway, I don’t feel tooo sad about leaving, it’s almost like I’m just going on a trip.
But that doesn’t mean I am not very thoughtful and insightful about my time here. I have been wondering for a while if my time here has been over (and obviously that answer is yes) and to help me make the move I often thought of myself as like Mary Poppins. When I was here the kids loved me (well I hope) and hoped that I made a difference but then there comes a time when your time is up and they take it from there. While I don’t know that Philip is going to be as enlightened as Mr. Banks my hope is that I have made a difference in the kids lives and that maybe I gave them some sort of foundation and now they have to run with it.
I got this in my email today, related to hospice work, and I thought how appropriate, so I will share it…and it will make you cry. I don’t want to be the only one crying today:
“As people experience healing presence, they change. The shift may be subtle or dramatic. They’re likely to open more – to themselves, to others, to the world, to the amazing mystery of life itself. Sensing another’s belief in them, and seeing that belief reflected in life around them, they can begin to develop in completely unexpected ways, and to move in directions they have not gone before. Or perhaps they will return to their original path, but with new spirit, new vision, new hope. As they encounter the inevitable pains and diminishments that life will present, they can begin to understand that such adversities can be experienced as more than adversities – they can be known as opportunities for growth, as avenues for moving toward wholeness. (from Miller and Cutshall’s book The Art of Being a Healing Presence.)
This is how I think of my time here with the Bakers. I hope I have made a difference.
Oh and the rat story? (the title of the blog) Last night Sam went out to pee – like dogs do – and when I went to let him in he quickly turned to retrieve something that he then brought to the door to bring into the house. It was a rat. Not a mouse, a rat. A dead rat. I know cats will do that, bring things into the house, but Sam has never done anything like that before. I am going to have to think of the significance of that. Anybody have any ideas?
Love you all,
until next week…