It is 150 steps to the beach from my front door. Probably another 50 to the water, depending on the tide. I have been over to the beach everyday since arriving here but have yet to make the sunset. I’ve walked in the evening, the morning and late afternoon. I walked over there today to check out the stormy sea. It wasn’t windy so I was out taking pictures, sat for a minute until the water got to the bench where I was sitting, then I decided to have breakfast at Caddy’s on the Beach and watch the storm. The winds picked up and it was a little wild, I’ll admit I was a little nervous, but then they died down enough for me to walk back home….home, here to this little place, 150 steps from the beach.
So what are your questions? Am I sad? Was it hard to leave? Yes and no to being sad. I’m sad it didn’t work out. Hard to leave? No. He made it pretty easy. I remember when we broke up before (before the move to Florida) I kept saying I wanted to cry – I wanted to be sad. I kept watching movies over the weekend (I remember this very clearly for some reason) and nothing made me cry. It was kinda funny. I guess I wasn’t that sad. I was more pissed at the time. I think the exact same thing is going on now. I do feel like there is a hardness in my chest – not like heartattack hard – but like my heart has a wall around it. I need that hard feeling to break and I feel like the only way that will happen is to cry. So I’m looking for some good sad movies. My friend Jean has been suggesting this book to me for a while Firefly Lane. Stephanie said it’s sure to make me cry. I tried to get it at the library yesterday (I found my closest library) but they were closed so I just ordered it on Amazon. $4 and I’ll get it tomorrow. So we’ll see. Maybe that will open the flood gates. But even with that hardness feeling I’m just sort of at peace. I’m at peace with it all.
What else,,,,, Diane asked me if it was easy getting back into the groove of living alone. That would be a definite “yes” – very easy. Not really missing a beat. Jimmy commented recently that he thought I missed living alone. I don’t really know how to answer that as well. Jimmy is right – I do like living alone, and it’s very easy to get back to it. But I also absolutely loved being a girlfriend and in a relationship and doing things together and being part of a family. I loved it. But I also love this alone time. I mean I just can’t get over where I’m living. It helps to live alone at the beach. It is so surreal (in a very very good way).
Of course there is the job part which everyone is asking about but really I JUST moved in and I’m just getting settled. I was on-the-line (online) last night and saw that a job that I applied for over at USF in St. Pete is still available. I started pulling up all my resumes and changing the addresses but honestly I’m not in a frame of mind yet. Not at this moment. I feel like I need to allow myself a day or two to just “be” before getting back into it. I am keeping all my options open and keeping the “Let things come to you” motto in mind. Just like this whole sequence of events unfolded that landed me here, I feel certain that the next phase is right around the corner, the next phase being the income part.
The thing that will make me cry, and does make me cry, and is making me cry right now is how incredibly blessed I feel. I really hate that terminology (blessed) and feel that it is over used but I can’t think of any other word for it. The way my kids and Stephanie and my friends all rallied around me and the fact that I am living here in this little adorable place 150 steps from the shore (although it might be a lot closer after this storm) – Instead of feeling like “what did I do wrong to deserve this?” I am feeling so “what have I done right to deserve this?” I feel like I’m being rewarded for all my hard work for the past couple years and my boys, well there are no words for how grateful I am.
I have been rewarded with two months at the beach to figure my life out. I really don’t want to blow it. I need to get out-of-my-way and see what else unfolds. Onward ho…..